Finally...somewhere i can say anything i like and no one would know. Hopefully no one would know. At least i hope no one i know, knows... Chose black this time to reflect the obviously depressing posts that are going to be hung on these walls...
Life's been hard. What with not graduating this year and the turmoils of a lonely heart (which i suspect highly is still in it's prepubescent stages) my mood has gone through the mill...bad. Now a new depression has settled in my life again. Worst, she's staying in my house...not really but coming and nighting often enough to be called citizen of Panorama 4/1.
I really need to know yet i can't seem to gather enough balls to go ask her or tell her about it. I think about it and then i just cower away. Oh, how i wish i could break something.
I think about death sometimes now. Not that i never did except this time i contemplate it. I think about killing too. Like as if i will get some sort of release driving a pen into someone's neck, seeing the blood ooze out and watching his sad and miserable life ebb away....slowly. Sick, but true. Basically, i'm just tired of living. For now anyways.
I don't know if it's because it's like one of those teenage things which sorta came late for me. I'm supposed to be out of my teens and into my adulthood but it is now that i really feel it. All the depression and death and god knows what else that weighs on this weary mind of mine. Sometimes it's so hard i just want to go jump in front of a car or shoot myself or something. I even broke one of my golden laws of not smoking. Sometimes i wonder if i should go grab a pack.
Right now, i feel like screaming so hard i puke but i'm so tired and my body wouldn't let me do it anyways. I tried drinking to stop thinking but it only made it worse....sorta. Man, why must she camp at my place? Why must i be alone? Why can't i have what he has?? Why me? Why the hell was i born into this world in the first place? So i can suffer all this and then try to help others? Fuck that!!
I wonder if the world would be a better place if i died? Or maybe it becomes a worse place? Or maybe nothing would change and life goes on. I think it's the latter....which is sad. It's true though, that i don't matter, cause i'm just one individual. Maybe it's time i found god. Maybe i should speak to some of them christians and join their church thingys. Not really my thing but i'm willing to try anything right now. Or maybe i should pick up buddhism too? Maybe i just lack a religion...something to hold on to and believe and distract myself from this senseless mundane world.
I don't want to feel this way anymore.........help.
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